The Unreliable Guide To… Dealing With Smug Childfree Friends

By Nat Shepherd on March 30, 2016 in Other

Picture: Ayn Alsex

Couples without kids are a rising trend. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, by the year 2031 couples without children will outnumber those who have taken the time to reproduce by 5%. That is a lot of calm, happy people with time to enjoy their clean, toy-free homes. They don’t seem to care that they’ve made themselves a genetic cul-de-sac, or that no one will visit them in the old folks home when the time comes. If you have kids, but are still trying to be friends with some dedicated non-breeders, the Unreliable Guide is here to help with some tips, tricks and tactics to help you cope with your childfree counterparts.

Do Dinner At Theirs. Try to have dinner at their place. Yes, you will have to fork out for a babysitter, but these people have time to both buy and read cookery books so the food will be nice. If you invite them to your place it’ll be alphabetti spaghetti again and they’ll probably send you the physio bill for the ankle they twisted tripping over the Lego death star.

Call Early On Sunday Morning. Childfree couples have the time and energy to go out to dinner, clubs, movies and the theatre far more than those of us with children. Hardly any of them fall asleep in front of the TV at 9pm while eating Coco Pops from the packet. Instead they go out on Saturday nights until 3am, secure in the knowledge that they can enjoy a long lie-in the next day. This is unfair, so ‘accidentally’ calling at 6am on a Sunday is no crime – just say one of the kids pressed redial. This may help make up for the fact that you’ve been awake since 5am watching Frozen (again!) with your two angels in an attempt to stop them dissecting the dog.

Never Offer Them A Lift. Just like the mess in your home, your childfree friends will not appreciate why your car smells of stale milk, biscuits and poo. They’ll also probably charge you to dry-clean the suit they ruined sitting on that uncapped Texta.

Avoid The Temptation To Confess. Never, ever tell childfree friends how hard life really is with kids. It will only reinforce their unbearable smugness about their life choices. Instead make them feel inadequate with carefully selected chocolate box moments of love and laughter. You should have at least one of these a year that you can use.

Be Proud. Make sure you tell your childless friends every detail of your children’s latest achievements. It is their duty to be fascinated by little Brooklyn’s potty training successes and to assess the nuances of Jasmine’s Year 4 end-of-term report card.

Finally, decide if you want to be friends with people who you know secretly judge you. Just because little Atticus bit a chunk out of your arm for no reason and you didn’t have the energy to tell him off, does not make you a bad parent.