Warning – New iPhone Sledges Ahead

By Gerald McGrew on November 18, 2014 in Other

This is a pleasing time of the year for me – Apple has released a new iThing!

Yet by the time you read this it will be old news. The good news is I’ve conducted some highly non-scientific studies on the short-term behaviours of the average new iPhone purchaser.

Seeing as I work with many young, tech-savvy folk (alas, not with ‘Australia’s Biggest Wanker’ – he’s in my building though, and yes, he’s perfectly coiffed), there was a rash of the new iPhones in the office within days of its release. This is when things got interesting. You see, normally there’s the usual Apple fandom who would have bought the new iPhone no matter how different it was to the one before – they require little if any convincing to shell out for the goods. And there was no shortage of these folk this time around either, as the new model was slightly taller and wider, or basically the same size as the last couple of Samsung Galaxys. Amazing!

However, this time there was another model, not unexpected, but it still threw the cat right amongst the pigeons. It was the iPhone 6 Plus, which was smaller than the iPad Mini, yet bigger than the other new iPhone, and the same size as the Samsung Note, circa 2012. In other words, it’s a ‘phablet’. I know, amazing again!

As a result of this new larger iPhone, I’ve been privy to a wide range of post-purchase emotions. There’s been the initial mix of sheepish excitement, quite typical amongst new Apple device buyers. They don’t actually need a new phone (unless they smashed the old one, or can’t work out how to stop it from uploading their naked selfies straight to Russian hackers) but they bought one anyway. My favourite tactic at this stage is to look concerned and say, “Oh dude, that sucks, WTF went wrong with the old one?” Nada, of course.

The next phase involves hilariously detailed explanations as to why larger phones from the competition used to be too large, but now they’re just perfect for new stuff like reading email and surfing the Internet and listening to songs and text messaging and watching videos and putting in your pocket and oh god, please stop talking your bullshit.

These were just the early emotions that I witnessed. Now I’m seeing something different. Now I’m seeing Apple buyers’ remorse. Yes, it is a massive iPhone and you’ll look ridiculous taking a call on it. No, you can’t use it one-handed. No, you can’t charge it in a microwave, and maybe, just maybe, it will bend.

Hipsters in my working hood have started to fret over the tightness of their jeans for reasons other than testicular damage. Work colleagues now feverishly scramble for headphones when their toast-sized iPhone rings. The benefits of the old smaller iPhones have come back to haunt them, and now they’re all struggling like Android phablet users have for years, but they paid twice the amount to look equally as silly.

All piss-taking aside, the new iPhone might mark another unhappy chapter for Apple. They’ve lost their innovation cred to other players, and now their reputation for quality is taking a hammering. While I enjoy having a crack at Apple fanatics, I’d still love to see the next truly unique iThing that takes the world by storm.

I guess we’re all missing Steve Jobs…