What Would Jesus Do This Christmas?

By Pearl Bullivant on December 4, 2015 in Other

Christmas can be a highly stressful period for those caught up in all the commercial hype. Eleven and a half months of dedicated yoga and mindfulness practice can be blown in one afternoon of shopping hell, transforming the zen devotee into a self-centred, self-absorbed Westfield Zombie. So this year Pearl is advising on a more old-school Christmas experience; one with an authentic, retro Christian touch. After all, Jesus was the master of mindfulness, as his hipster beard would attest.

When confronted with the myriad of dilemmas one faces on a daily basis, many a religious person would ask: What would Jesus do? Should I finish off that bottle of wine in the fridge before Seniors Zumba? Should I feast on that mouldy piece of wholemeal bread because I’m too hung-over to stumble down to FoodWorks? Should I introduce a sheep into my tiny, elite Clovelly enclave to solve my lawn-mowing issues? You can guarantee the affirmative answers to these curly questions lie deep within one of the books of the New Testament.

When it comes to anticipating the trauma and grief of Christmas shopping, Pearl has turned to Jesus for advice this month – what could be more fitting at this time of year? Alas, Jesus, being a socialist, does not strike me as a Westfield malingering type of dude, nor could he be envisaged filling retailers’ coffers with his platinum AMEX or stocking up the pantry with gourmet organic, free-range goodies (but I definitely could see him hungover at Seniors Zumba). So sweeties, hypothetically, what would Jesus do whilst Christmas shopping at Westfield?
Would Jesus ignorantly chatter on his mobile phone at the head of the queue at Myer, ignoring the cashier and leaving a trail of followers waiting impatiently behind him?

No, Jesus would instead step aside and usher his followers through or get off his damn mobile phone.

Would the Virgin Mary be dragging the massive 4WD and herculean pram to Westfield?

I appreciate that motherhood comes with an entitlement to extra space and exclusive parking spots, but remember that Christmas embodies the spirit of sharing. Instead of bringing the tank, Mary would share her personal space and sensibly leave her extended family at home rather than treating shopping as a recreational activity.

Would Jesus partake in a grocery shopping frenzy reminiscent of the bad old days of restricted shopping hours, loading up his trolley as if an impending famine was being sent down by the Lord to test us all?

No, for Jesus is wise and would be aware that on Boxing Day the necessary provisions for life can be obtained at a highly inflated price somewhere else in the Eastern Suburbs.

Would Jesus stroll leisurely through Westfield, impeding the flow of foot traffic, and stop at the top of the escalators to chat or air kiss?

No, he would consciously keep to the left, perhaps drawing a line as he goes, and he would take a shepherd’s crook to any amblers who got in his way.

Happy shopping, sweeties!

Xx Pearl