When to Read The Beast

By Kieran Blake on May 29, 2018 in Other

Macpherson Street, Bronte, May 2018, by Reece Session.

The Beast is the premier publication in the English-speaking world. Its award-winning contributors lavish upon their readers a monthly gift of fantastic photos, carefully crafted features, thoroughly researched investigative articles, side-splitting humour, soul-inspiring astrology and flippant, irresponsible satire.
But in today’s fast-paced, time-poor world, who has time to read? Despair no more, for this month the kind souls at your favourite local mag have put together a thorough guide to finding those precious, treasured moments when you can savour this visual and lexical wonder.

1. While lining up for your favourite coffee, from your favourite café.
2. While lining up for your favourite bread at Iggy’s.
3. While praying that your favourite bread at Iggy’s has not sold out.
4. In between furtive, flirtatious glances at that gorgeous specimen just ahead of you in the queue at Iggy’s.
5. While waiting for the NBN.
6. While awaiting the completion of the Waverley Cemetery boardwalk.
7. While waiting for the hordes to drag their inflatable Christmas presents down the slippery steps at Clovelly Beach.
8. While waiting for the hordes to drag their inflatable Christmas presents up the slippery steps at Clovelly Beach.
9. While waiting for sustainability to be fashionable.
10. While waiting for the NBN.
11. While queuing to enter that restaurant, which is surrounded by half-empty restaurants of equal or better quality.
12. While waiting for house prices to rise, plateau or fall, depending on your position on the housing ladder.
13. While waiting for your dinner party guests to stop talking about house prices.
14. While waiting for the NBN.
15. While waiting to board the Sydney FC bandwagon, scheduled to depart exactly five minutes before the Sky Blue win their next trophy.
16. While waiting for the completion of the multi-million dollar renovation of the Sydney Football Stadium, which will include a direct rail link from Central Station to accommodate the Sydney FC bandwagon.
17. While waiting for Gladys Berejiklian to catch public transport to work (without a camera crew in tow).
18. While waiting for middle-aged men in bright, skin-tight lycra to escort their precious little nippers off the beach.
19. While waiting for pasty British backpackers to baste, bake and burn on the sands of Coogee Beach – now turn over; cook the other side.
20. While pining for the return of summer and long, languid, lazy afternoons by the sea.
21. While stuck in traffic – remember, The Beast is also published online and is the one and only reason for your kids to be glued to their screens.
22. While attempting to book that elusive, mythical doctor’s appointment.
23. While waiting for the NBN.
24. While expunging yourself of every vulgarity in every known language as you attempt to find a parking spot anywhere in the Eastern Suburbs.
25. While pointlessly waiting in line to get into a half-empty Eastern Suburbs pub.
26. While waiting for a decent bank to surf at Bondi Beach.

Oh look, you’ve reached the front of the queue!