Amendments to Laws Governing Public Spaces in the Eastern Suburbs

By Kieran Blake on March 1, 2022 in Satire

K-bay back in the sandy days. Photo: Kay Nine

The failure of Waverley Council to enforce the laws that prohibit dogs from entering Mackenzies Bay has led to the relaxation of a raft of other laws pertaining to public places in the Eastern Suburbs.
Dogs are prohibited from entering Mackenzies Bay, yet scores of dogs are seen running freely across the rock pools on a daily basis while their owners swim, sunbake and relax at the tiny beach. A petition was recently lodged with Waverley Council demanding legal access for dogs, but was rejected. The beach remains off limits to dogs, but Council is neglecting to enforce its own laws.
One major justification for the petition was that dog owners had been breaking the rules and taking their dogs to the off-limit area for years anyway, so it might as well be legalised. Based on this rationale, a host of other local laws have now been amended…
Fibreglass surf craft are now permitted between the flags at Bondi, Tamarama and Bronte.
Construction debris from renovations can now be dumped in the ocean, and power tools can be used 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.
Residue from meth production can be dumped in local bays and beaches.
Dog owners are no longer required to pick up after their dogs, anywhere.
4wd vehicles and trail bikes are now granted access to all local beaches.
Campervans, backpackers and grey nomads can camp overnight in public carparks and beside beaches.
Parking of private cars is allowed in bus stops and ambulance bays, and in front of hospitals, police stations, post offices, surf clubs, schools…
Mountain biking is encouraged anywhere in Centennial Park.
All beaches and bays are open to line fishing and fishing with explosives.
Alcohol can be consumed in parks, beaches, playgrounds and other public spaces at any time of the day or night, any day of the year.
Fireworks are legal again, every day of the year.
Compliance with any COVID-19 pandemic law is optional.
Burning off will become the acceptable method of disposing of all household waste.
Nude sun bathing is now legal at all local beaches, as long as bathers have tattoos and use sun block. Bathers of any age, gender and body shape are encouraged to swap their bathing suit for their birthday suit.
Spearfishing is permitted at all municipal bays and beaches. Consequently, Randwick Council will allow spearfishers to hunt blue gropers at Clovelly Beach.
Private school students are now allowed to spit on homeless people, defecate on trains and have sex in public places.
Development Applications are now a historical relic.
The relaxation of the aforementioned laws comes into effect immediately.