Has Australia Reached Peak Commission and Inquiry?

By Pearl Bullivant on September 24, 2019 in Satire

Free the gut! by Kenneth Hayne.

Australian politicians love a good old Royal Commission or Parliamentary Inquiry to divert the media’s attention away from the plight of fluffy animals and climate change. There’s nothing more cleansing to the soul than to squander taxpayers’ dollars shifting the job of finger pointing onto a higher authority, thereby shirking the tough responsibility of calling out wrongdoers and admitting the deficiencies of one’s own government’s policies. And, even better, if the judicial recommendations are not to one’s liking, they can be scrunched into a paper ball and discarded as rubbish. What is there not to love?
Royal Commissions and Parliamentary Inquiries have come a long way from investigating thrilling topics such as “secret drugs, cures and foods” and “stripper harvesters and drills”. Now their purpose appears to be investigating greedy, unethical individuals and corporations who have taken full advantage of state and federal governments’ ideological obsession with privatisation-at-all-costs. How stupid are politicians to think that corporations will do anything but follow their own private interests when handed control over what was formerly in public hands? At the end of the day, the corporations and greedy people go unscathed and Corporate Socialism triumphs – boring, predictable and a total waste of taxpayer money and resources.
Since it appears that Australia has reached ‘Peak Commission and Inquiry’, Pearl is calling for a return to the glory days of investigation. Any dude eking out an existence on Newstart could have deduced that ruthless property developers would construct dodgy apartments, greedy irrigators would harness the Murray-Darling, low-life nursing home operators would kill off the aging and bankers would just do whatever bankers want to do. It’s about time more worthy subjects were selected for scrutiny, so Pearl is requesting the Governor-General call a Royal Commission into Women’s Jeans.
As we know, retail spending is having an absolute Debbie Downer and I’m blaming the lull on women’s jeans. The RBA may be desperate for me to open my wallet but since the classic Riders Bootcut low rise jean is no longer available for me to squeeze my aging frame into I’m closing the Glomesh until Lee Jeans brings them back. In the meantime, Pearl wants the head of whoever is responsible for the demise of the classic hipster cut (how can there be so many hipsters without the hipster cut?) and for the literal rise of those vile, uncomfortable skinny jeans that resemble sausage skins, as well as those equally revolting high waisted ‘mom jeans’ with a foot-long crutch that suck the guts like a girdle with a waistline up around the navel. No wonder Irritable Bowel Syndrome is on the increase and women are turning to the more flattering waistline of the annoying gym pant. It’s time for the return of the hipster jean, and to the good old days of the 1913 Royal Commission “Into Certain Charges Against Mr Henry Chinn” and the 1983 “Nugan Hand Group”. Free the gut and stop Corporate Socialism!