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Beardy from Hell – April 2021

By jimmyhutton on April 14, 2021 in Satire

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Every P-plater is a shit driver – there are no exceptions – and one of them is going to cost you an absolute fortune this month.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Your so-called healthy home-cooked meals have the nutritional equivalent of a Big Mac. It could be time to visit a dietician.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
You need to address the hair situation around your ringot. The first step is acknowledging that there is a problem.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Take your friend’s dubious ‘family tragedy’ excuse seriously, because this time they’re actually not making it all up.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
There’s simply no excuse for being bored when you can argue with your partner about nothing for hours on end.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Sort out your own personal problems before turning your attention to global issues or no one will take you seriously.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Refreshing your wardrobe won’t mask the shocking way you’ve treated your body over the last six months.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Beware of anyone claiming to be a cryptocurrency specialist, which is basically the same as being a Queen of the Nile expert.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Try and accept the uncomfortable fact that you would have been better off by quitting work and going on the dole a year ago.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Underestimating the intelligence and ability of someone significantly younger than you is going to leave you looking like an idiot.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Call out shit behaviour among your peers, because you never know when you’ll become the target of their vitriol.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Talk loudly and aggressively over people to ensure they benefit from the brilliant opinions and philosophies you have to share.

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