Beardy From Hell – February 2020
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Book yourself in for a colonoscopy. It’ll be worth it just for the chat with the specialist, they’re great for a yarn those blokes.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Stop being such an impatient prick. Just because everyone around you is so bloody slow it doesn’t justify your carry-on.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Hold a friend’s penis in the palm of your hand and tell them, in their moment of vulnerability, just how much you love them.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
You dress about ten years too young for your age. Get some long-overdue fashion advice and start wearing appropriate attire.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
You’ve achieved sweet f*ck all in the last couple of months, it’s about time you got organised and did something productive.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Sail through life without a worry in the world, knowing full well that your loved ones will continue to bail you out of trouble.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Stop giving people unsolicited advice. Having someone’s best interests at heart isn’t enough to justify your poor judgment.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
You’ll blame Scott Morrison for everything bad that happens to you this month, which is fair enough because it’s all his fault.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Get your toothbrush and scrub the fur off that filthy tongue of yours. If you don’t sort it out soon you’ll end up totally isolated.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Slow down a little. You can fast forward your way through life but you won’t be able to press rewind when you get to the end.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
By the time you realise that you should have left Sydney ages ago, it will be too late to leave. Anyway, where would you go?
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
As neurotic and annoying your friends may be, you should be nice to them because they’re the only ones who’ll have you.