Beardy from Hell – January 2020

By Beardy from Hell on January 10, 2020 in Satire

A very naughty man.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
It’s looking like a bit of loving could be on the radar. It’ll set you back around $250 but it will be worth every cent.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
As another year of failure comes to an end, make some unambitious New Year’s resolutions and start 2020 as a winner.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Wind down with a relaxing phone-free stroll, taking time to reflect on how good life was back in the day before mobiles.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Spend more time in the ocean this summer. You’ll feel like you’re on holidays and it won’t cost you a cent.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
At least pretend to be a little bit excited when your friends call you, or they’ll stop calling you, which could be a good thing.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
You may not be aware of this but you have a really beautiful voice. As long as you’re speaking quietly, it really is lovely.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Despite your face drying up like an old ball bag, you should steer clear of the surgeon’s knife and age gracefully, like Joan Rivers.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
A good-looking person will get away with most forms of inappropriate behaviour. You need to be a bit more careful though.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Putting your salary up your nose each weekend won’t bring you long-term financial security but it will make you happy.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Despite a Christmas cost blow-out you’ll come into a bit of money this month. Save it for a rainy day, if we ever have one.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Planning for the future is all well and good, but at some point you should stop and enjoy the moment.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Your fear of upsetting people is stopping you from realising your full potential. Just tell them all to go and get f*cked.