Beardy From Hell – September 2020
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Use the pandemic as an excuse for all your failures at work and in life, even though that’s got nothing to do with it.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Take a photo of your genitalia, then zoom in really close and you will find a nice little surprise waiting for you.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Leave everything right up until the last minute, otherwise you’ll have nothing to do and get even more bored than you already are.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
No matter how hard you try to resist genetics, you’re slowly turning into your dad and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Attempt to learn a new skill by spending a fortune on all the gear but never actually bothering to learn how to use any of it.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Stop stressing over your status and just be a legend – it’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Whatever it is that you really want to achieve in life, you’ve got about a month to get the ball rolling before it’s too late.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
When things are going smoothly, you won’t need your mates so much; it’s when things are shit that you’ll really rely on them.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
The best thing that could happen to you would be to lose your job so you can get stuck into something that actually excites you.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Stop being such an uptight prick and let your hair down. It’s time to get some woof up that hooter of yours and live a little.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Next time your self confidence is low, visit a supermarket in another part of Sydney and let all the inbreds boost your ego.
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Many parts of your body will seem to hang a bit lower than usual this month, especially your arse (and it’s irreversible).