Bondi Pavilion to be Converted into Buddhist Monastery

By Dan Hutton on June 9, 2016 in Satire

A leaked document from Waverley Council has revealed that the highly controversial redevelopment of the iconic Bondi Pavilion will see the building converted into a Buddhist monastery to permanently house the Gyuto Monks of Tibet and will be completed “upon the alignment of the elements and the cosmos”.

The Gyuto monks expressed fulfillment and inner peace upon hearing the news and regard it as an appropriate reward for their concerted efforts to bless and prepare the site for construction since their first visit to Bondi in 2008.

“We recently received a divine message, following an enlightening meditation, that the redevelopment of Bondi Pavilion was taking an ‘eternity’, so we seized the opportunity to submit a DA for the construction of a new monastery,” read a statement from the monks.

“We feel blessed for the opportunity to construct another monastery in exile, right here in Bondi.”

It is hoped that the Monastery will host future visits from His Holiness the Dalai Lama, if Waverley Council is able to secure the permission of the Chinese Central Government, and Bondi’s resident celebrities.

The monks have also kindly offered healing workshops to assist the newly merged super council to deal with anger, jealousy and conflict, following the revelation that the original development proposal would have required spending 30% of the council’s annual budget.

However, the monks are yet to confirm or deny suggestions they will pray for the re-election of Prime Minister and Member for Wentworth Malcolm Turnbull.

Bondi Surf Life Saving club was pleased to announce its plan to train the first group of Tibetan lifesavers, who will return home to patrol the stationary waves of glacial fed rivers.

Details of the monastery’s final design were scarce, but local contemporary artist ‘Yelmo’ was excited by the creative prospects of the new plan.

“Orange is the new black, so why not, it’s fab, and let’s just add a splash of yellow sweetie,” he said.

While details remain largely under wraps at this stage, the implications of the new plans are becoming apparent.

Bondi is likely to see more young men with shaved heads, and thus an end to hipster beards, as well as the return of the Hare Krishna community handing out oranges at the end of the City 2 Surf.

Furthermore, locals will have to pray, not pay, to enter the pavilion, and the customary alms provided to Buddhist monks by the local community will now be provided via the revenue from Bondi’s parking meters.