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Celebrate Your Patriotism This Australia Day

By Kieran Blake, on January 31, 2020 in Satire

Merry ‘Straya Day! by Zena Phobe.

Australia is the greatest nation on earth, and Australia Day is the best opportunity for Eastern Suburbs residents to join their fellow patriots in proudly displaying their national pride. After all, the beloved leader of this great nation was born and bred right here in the east.
Exactly how good is Australia? Well, since the peaceful settlement of the wide brown land just over 200 years ago, Australians have compiled a list of the following achievements which will forever put Australia first.
• Australia has the biggest per capita carbon footprint of any nation on earth.
• Australia continues to celebrate the invasion and colonisation of this land and the ongoing oppression of indigenous people.
• Australia has the highest rate of mammal extinction of any nation on earth.
• CBD and South East Light Rail
• The Murray-Darling Basin
• Australia sells the world almost nothing that requires a university degree to make.
• Australia’s highest office is held by a family of irrelevant inbreeds whose luxurious lifestyle is funded by the taxpayer.
• The Great Barrier Reef
• Australia has some of the highest rates of obesity in the world.
• Australia still has a gender pay gap.
• Australia’s press freedom is under attack following police raids on media organisations and the home of a journalist (will The Beast ever be raided?)
• Australia has some of the poorest rates of literacy and numeracy in the developed world.
• Australia continues to deny the truth of its history.
• Australia’s first people still have a life expectancy 20 years less than the average Australian.
• Australians descended en-masse to Uluru to knowingly desecrate a sacred site before the climb was closed.
• Australians cover the country in rubbish every Australia Day.
• Australia gave women the vote after New Zealand.
• Australia’s stated aim is to become one of the world’s top 10 producers of military weapons.
• Australia locks up asylum seekers in detention centres, which cost taxpayers millions of dollars.
• Australia burned through unprecedented bushfires while politicians met to approve new coal mines, ban protesting against coal mines and remove laws requiring environmental approval of coal mines.
• Australia’s PM, born and bred here in the east, fled overseas while large parts of the country burned.
• Australia’s PM, born and bred right here in the east, ran a tacky advertisement to promote his political party while large parts of the country burned.
• Australia is conducting a Royal Commission into the aged-care sector.
So, on January 26, puff out your chest and buy a Chinese-made Aussie flag (but not a Kiwi flag). If a compatriot should question what makes Australia great, remind them exactly where to go if they don’t like it. Then refer to the list above, and tell them, “Not today, not today.”