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Eastern Suburbs Fathers Launch Class Action Against Santa Claus

By Kieran Blake, on December 31, 2019 in Satire

Settle down, it’s snow, by Mon Ogamy.

A group of angry fathers from the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney has launched a massive class action against Santa Claus under accusations of adultery.
The furious fathers submitted the case to the High Court of Australia after numerous children told them that they had seen mummy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe the night before.
“Santa Claus has committed a heinous act,” explained a lawyer acting for the fathers.
“He was witnessed, on countless occasions and by scores of local children, committing an act of adultery with the wives of the plaintiffs, during the Christmas period.”
The distraught and confused children reportedly filmed the acts on their phones and this will all be tendered as evidence. The children all claim to have seen a large man in a red suit with a ‘beard so snowy white’. After conferring with friends on social media, they decided they were going to tell Dad.
“The children pleaded with their fathers,” explained the lawyer, “repeatedly saying ‘you gotta believe me, you gotta believe me’. The number of witnesses and electronic evidence presents a strong case.”
The fathers refused to comment on any retribution to be taken against their wives, stating that this was an internal, family matter and was of absolutely no concern to the general public. They were at pains, however, to outline that the actions of Mr Claus were grossly inappropriate and a threat to family values, especially at a time of the year when corporate advertisements and social media influencers remind us of the importance of family.
Such is the severity of the case that it has drawn the attention of state and federal politicians, who leapt at the opportunity to attach themselves to a worthy cause during the Christmas period. Prime Minister Scott Morrison praised the courage of the fathers for their efforts to protect the sanctity of the family unit, while the State Government convened an extraordinary session of parliament in order to pass a bipartisan motion which will outlaw mistletoe in New South Wales.
The case may have encountered an obstacle, however. Lawyers were instructed that Mr Claus must be apprehended while in Australian territory, leaving only a narrow window on the evening of December 24, as the North Pole is not a signatory to international conventions on extradition.
Judges hearing the case asked whether the fathers were seeking financial compensation or a prison sentence for Mr Claus. The lawyer explained that, apart from earning their legal buddies a nice little bonus during the silly season, the Eastern Suburbs fathers were motivated by something else entirely.
“The fathers are demanding that Santa Claus deliver presents to them as well next Christmas.”