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Every Waverley College Student Guaranteed a Successful Career

By Kieran Blake, on March 3, 2020 in Satire

Laughing all the way to the bank, by Bill Derr.

Students of Waverley College were elated to learn that they are guaranteed a long and prosperous career after old boy Scott Cam was appointed National Careers Ambassador.
The ambassadorial role was created to encourage young people to take up trades and apprenticeships, and Cam received the lucrative post from another famous Scott who grew up in the Eastern Suburbs.
“Waverley boys can do anything,” beamed Cam during the announcement in Randwick.
“They can work in business, nursing, finance, medicine, defence, design, health care, tourism, IT… anything. Whatever path they choose, they will now be guaranteed a job.”
The appointment entrenches and enhances the system of the old school tie, and means that students from Our Lady’s Mount need only list their alma mater on their resume in order to secure an appointment in any field.
“In the past a lot of Waverley boys might have considered business, engineering or real estate. They might have even dreamt of following other old boys into the Wallabies, but none of the students are Fijian-born NRL players. For that reason, they need to open their minds to new possibilities, heck, they could even go and coach a cycling team in Africa if they want.”
Cam is expected to visit many schools throughout the country, including Waverley College, and deliver talks and workshops under headings such as ‘Money for Nothing’, ‘How good are Tradies’, ‘Earn More Than Your Teacher’, and ‘Reality TV Star is a career’.
Cam graduated to the new role after serving as Australian Apprenticeships Ambassador for many years, during which time he encouraged young people to take up trades and apprenticeships. Critics of his recent appointment have suggested that if Cam had done his job as apprenticeships ambassador there would be no need for a careers ambassador, and that his pay packet could have been directed to TAFE colleges or government schools.
Cam refuted these claims, saying, “The government throws thousands of dollars at someone to serve as Governor General, so why not do the same for a careers ambassador. Remember also, renovations don’t pay for themselves.”
According to sources, fellow Waverley old boy Costa Georgiadis was approached for the role, but was rejected when he refused to shave his beard for the interview. Dougie the pizza boy was also considered, but reportedly kept asking for tips.
Ironically, the writers of Utopia, the satirical TV show on the ABC, appointed Cam to exactly the same role during one episode, prior to the official appointment in late 2019. The Utopia script was written for purely comedic purposes.
It seems that future graduates of Waverley College will be laughing all the way to the bank.