Exclusive: Secret Plans for Waverley Cemetery Development Revealed

By Kieran Blake on February 3, 2018 in Satire

It’s only a matter of time.

The Beast has achieved yet another exclusive with the acquisition of highly classified documents outlining details of the enormous new high-rise complex to be constructed on the site of Waverley Cemetery.
This publication exposed the shocking truth behind plans to forcibly remove residents from their grave sites in a previous issue and the fact that the developers communicated with cemetery residents through an intermediary, by the name of Lou Seefer.
The Beast can now reveal that the commercial and residential development will be the largest single complex in the Eastern Beaches and will dwarf Westfield Bondi Junction. Names being considered include Nirvana, El Paraiso, Valhalla, Beulah, and Elysium.
Grave sites will be converted into a huge underground carpark, loading dock, and waste processing area, with homes and shops to be built on top.
Bodies of residents, as well as building debris and shredded environmental impact statements, will be dumped in the ocean to provide the foundation for a huge sea wall which will allow residents to safely moor their pleasure craft.
Mr Seefer brushed aside concerns that the sea wall will permanently destroy surf conditions from Bondi to Maroubra.
“Surfers can just fly to Bali for the day, from our on-site landing strip,” he quipped.
The marina and aquatic recreational facility will rival The World in Dubai and will be constructed by a Chinese company with expertise in land reclamation, “except that this one will be called UnderWorld, in keeping with its location,” boasted Mr Seefer.
Tomb stones, with inscriptions, will be imbedded into the entrance of many properties, providing a link between the tenant and the person upon whose grave they are dancing when they utilise the extensive outdoor entertaining areas.
Designers will re-fashion the granite crucifixes into ornaments and towel racks inside the properties, promising an exciting new aesthetic of cold, hard granite juxtaposed with flamboyant, bright, new-season colours.
Outraged locals have inundated Waverley Council with letters and petitions since learning of the proposal and are determined to put an end to the project.
“Opposition to projects of this nature is normal, but so is the trend of opponents purchasing residential properties and nominating to open businesses in the commercial spaces once the project is inevitably approved,” claimed Mr Seefer.
“We’re excited by the prospect of hosting a signature store of Dead Studios fashion and serving Death by Chocolate in all of our cafes.”
Documents also reveal that the NSW government, with backing from NAB, will construct a four-lane expressway from the complex direct to the Sydney CBD for the exclusive use of residents. The plans are detailed under the heading ‘DeathConnex’.

Before calling Waverley Council to complain, please note that this article is in fact satire (a joke).