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Finding Solutions to First World Problems

By Pearl Bullivant on June 21, 2019 in Satire

“I’m a ratepayer and I have rights!” by Sarah Jessica-Narker.

Pearl’s View on Tree Haters
Hi Pearl – I’d appreciate your view on a woman who was walking along Fern Street and nearby streets in Randwick, ripping huge branches from trees in public streets and from shrubs in private properties.
I love your down to earth take on life in the East. I wish I had been using my hose at the time and could have ‘accidentally’ dampened her lust. This has been going on for months and is not a rare occurrence.
Tree Hugger

Pearl Knows These Types
Dear Tree Hugger – Thank you for providing me with an excuse not to use this column as a post-election rant, although it does appear from your description that the actions of this woman could be interpreted as political and that she is actually a rogue forestry worker planted in Randwick as a symbol (and an “FU” to Green voters) of the public mandate given to ScoMo to destroy Australia’s old growth forests. I do hope, for her sake, that she is clothed in hi-viz and registered with the CFMEU.
But, seriously, what type of person vandalises trees? A wealthy person with ocean views immediately comes to mind, although Fern Street is not the waterfront territory that I’d associate with high maintenance hoteliers or corporate lawyers whose identities are tied up with the view from their window. Perhaps a hipster collecting branches for her personal collection? A property developer out to sabotage the community? A thrill seeker with a pruning saw getting her jollies from trespassing on private property?
I suspect this woman is a lady of a ‘certain age’ – a pre- to slightly post-baby boomer; one of those oldies for whom outrage is a constant state of mind, fuelled by the wisdom of shock jocks and vented through carefully crafted letters to The Australian. If they had been born early this century then they would most certainly be social media trolls.
Literally everything offends their delicate sensibilities: the sound of Mr Whippy, the roar of the crowd at Coogee Oval, bill posting on telegraph poles, inoffensive graffiti, the ‘retiree tax’… Randwick Council’s phone number is on speed dial, ready to report a skateboarding teen or a council worker whose leaf blower missed a solitary twig. Her type is usually found controlling a body corporate; whinging about letterbox keys, garbage bin duty and washing on the balconies, stymieing and boycotting any attempts to raise body corporate fees.
But back to your trees… foliage is so random, and this type of person doesn’t do random, the sight of dead leaves sending them foaming at the mouth. Like the posters stuck on telegraph poles, there is nothing that this woman cannot eliminate with a pruning saw (including tree owners). My solution: transform Fern Street into an aboral avenue of Goonie Trees by tying cheap wine cask bladders to the branches – a touch of West in the East. This would garner enough publicity on social media to deter the branch lopper, allowing you to save your precious water and avoid breaching the water restrictions. Good luck!
Pearl Bullivant