Horses to be Breath Tested at Randwick Racecourse

By Kieran Blake on September 20, 2016 in Satire

Horses at Royal Randwick Racecourse will now be subjected to mandatory breath testing during major carnivals in an effort to stem the rise in drug-induced unsporting behaviour.

The Australian Turf Club (ATC) will work in conjunction with local police in order to carry out random breath tests on all thoroughbreds, in the hope of reducing the consumption of alcohol and recreational drugs.

“It is becoming increasingly apparent that a number of animals parade through the ‘enclosure’, even at the beginning of carnivals, in an already unreasonably altered state,” explained a spokesperson from the ATC. “They appear sweaty and agitated at a time when they should be aiming to attract the attention of people with whom they could enter a mutually beneficial partnership.”

The spokesperson was at pains to stress that the new policy does not imply the use of performance enhancing drugs.

“In actual fact, the drugs in focus under this initiative have been found to decrease performance, rather than enhance it,” the spokesperson said.

Responible Service of Alcohol (RSA) trained monitors will identify horses displaying symptoms of consumption, before administering the standard RBT in order to collect evidence straight from the horses’ mouths.

Handlers and trainers must also become RSA certified and ensure that all creatures have regular access to drinking water and a sufficient amount of feed. Failure to comply with these conditions could see a stable lose its licence.

Major racing carnivals are commonly regarded as a perfect opportunity for beasts to show off the months of preparation devoted to reaching peak physical condition and the hours spent preening and grooming, in keeping with the events’ inherent glamour.

“However, the disheveled and exhausted appearance of many animals towards the end of proceedings, as well as the tendency of many mares and colts to lose control of their bodily functions at inopportune moments, negates the painstaking efforts at grooming and belies the sport’s label of ‘The Sport of Kings’,” stressed the spokesperson.

“And remember, many punters will be reluctant to ‘put their money on’ a filly or a stud who purges in public, no matter how strong the endorsement from friends or the form guide.”

The relevant authorities also expressed concern at the actions of the beasts when exiting the racecourse.

“One need only witness the throngs of creatures being herded into transport at the conclusion of the carnival, as well as the condition of these vehicles after a night ferrying them home,” conceded a representative. “We pity the poor souls who must clean them.”

Discussions regarding punishment for offenders were also held with all major stakeholders. Banning offenders from future entry would reportedly be used only as an extreme measure, so it was suggested that offenders might be brought back the next day to pick up their rubbish.