I Hate Cyclists

By Kieran Blake on February 10, 2021 in Satire

The cheat. Photo: Anna Bolic

One fine day in Sydney’s egalitarian Eastern Suburbs…

Bill G’day.
Bob G’day, sorry I’m late, big night last night.
Bill No worries. Are we gonna make it on time?
Bob Yeah, we should. That light’s still green, hold on…
Bill Nah, that’s definitely red.
Bob Oi, watch where you’re going you clown, get off the road! Bloody cyclists. I hate cyclists.
Bill Hate? That’s a strong word.
Bob Yeah, I bloody hate cyclists.
Bill Hate? You hate terrorists.
Bob Yeah, but at least terrorists kill their own…
Bill Hate? You hate drug dealers.
Bob Well, not necessarily, especially after last night. Man, what a buzz.
Bill Hate? You hate murderers.
Bob Yeah, but I could murder a kebab right now.
Bill Why do you hate cyclists?
Bob They ride on the road.
Bill Isn’t that because they’re not allowed to ride on the footpath?
Bob Yeah, but they should just ride on the cycle paths.
Bill True, but sometimes there are no cycle paths, or the cycle paths just stop.
Bob So, that’s not my fault, I didn’t build the cycle paths. Oh, wait, there’s a bottle-o, I forgot to bring something, mind if I pull over?
Bill No, go for it.
Bob Won’t be a sec…
Bill Hang on, did you just park over a cycle lane?
Bob Yeah, so what? They can just ride around me.
Bill What, onto the road?
Bob Yeah…
Bob Nice drop this.
Bill Bob, I still don’t get it; why do you say you hate cyclists?
Bob Mate, they’re grown men…in lycra.
Bill I suppose you wear jeans or footy shorts when you go to the beach?
Bob Piss off!
Bill But, hate? It’s such a strong word. I mean, you hate politicians, that’s fair enough.
Bob You bet, especially those bloody Greenies, building cycle paths everywhere, waste of taxpayers’ money.
Bill What about politicians in lycra?
Bob The worst.
Bill I could understand if you hate paedophiles.
Bob Of course I do, they’re scum…Then again, how do you know he did it? I mean, do you still think he’s guilty?
Bill What?
Bob Well, an ex-prime minister vouched for him, and I was listening to the radio the other day and that guy, what’s his name, he reckons he was never guilty.
Bill But I still don’t understand why you hate cyclists.
Bob They cause traffic jams.
Bill Surely cars cause traffic jams? Plus, if more people cycled there’d be less traffic. Anyway, do you think we’ll make it on time?
Bob Yeah, no worries, we’ll cut through Centen.
Mate “Bill, Bob… Hi, so glad you could make it.”
Bob Hi, sorry we’re late, traffic was murder.
Mate “No worries. You’re just in time. Come and join us, we’re all going for a ride.”