Iplod to Headline Sculpture by the Sea 2016

By Kieran Blake on October 21, 2016 in Satire

Sources deep within the inner sanctum of the Sculpture by the Sea organising committee have disclosed details of the IPLOD installation, which is set to dazzle viewers at the 2016 edition of the world famous art exhibition.

A crate of vino tinto sufficed to extract from staff the finer details of the work itself, but not the identity of the artist.

The IPLOD is a life-size structure of a 20-something year-old Bondi Beauty draped in reluctantly fashionable sportswear with an obligatory MP3 player and headphones strapped to her toned, bronzed biceps. A model pooch on a real leash completes the ensemble.

The leash will undoubtedly obstruct, and possibly trip up, any unattentive art lovers, who will have already been highly inconvenienced by the statue’s positioning. It will take pride of place in the middle of the coastal walk’s natural pinch point near Tamarama Surf Club, beside the centerpiece of the exhibition – the monument that marks Tamarama Surf Club as Australia’s surf life saving capital.

The statue captures Bondi Beauty mid-stride as she insists on completing her regular beachside run during the busiest time of Sculpture by the Sea. Augmenting the statue’s clenched muscles and disgruntled visage is the work’s most contentious feature: its MP3 player is interactive.
The weatherproof device will broadcast to the public comments such as: “Get out of my way”; “Go back to suburbia”; “Seriously, did your parents dress you this morning?”; “Bloody tourists”; and “So now you’re an art lover”.

Once engaged, or enraged, visitors within a 10-metre radius will be able to respond to Bondi Beauty via twitter and other social media platforms available through the Sculpture by the Sea App.

And yes, comments will remain uncensored – it is contemporary art.

There will, however, be a child-proof setting for concerned parents.

The artist has promised to upload a selection of comments to the Sculpture by the Sea daily podcast, to accompany the edited video highlights that will appear on YouTube and the official website, and will be captured by a small camera fitted to the statue.

While drowning the last glass of red wine, one Sculpture by the Sea staff member also let slip that the artist had formally requested the allocation of extra 24-hour security guards to protect the art work from overzealous art critics and to collect the necessary fees from anyone daring to photograph such an undeniably glamorous creature.