Life Is Full of Inconveniences That Make Us Stronger

By Pearl Bullivant on December 20, 2021 in Satire

Craig’s cure-all. Photo: Meryl Sheep

In my role as self-appointed COVID ambassador, I genuinely envy the anti-COVID protestors with their self-assuredness and willingness to blatantly protest vaccine mandates and public health measures proven to save lives – how I wish I could be endowed with such bluster and naivety!
I’m particularly in awe of (and absolutely fascinated by) the white, affluent, privileged ‘hippycrites’; those wellness warriors, replete with facial filler, fake tans, peroxide hair and adorned in activewear, who rant about discrimination, segregation and fascism, all the while keeping a straight face (perhaps the botox is to blame), unable to see the irony of their complaints.
It takes a brave person to possess the self-obsession and hypocrisy to be able to publicly declare ‘body sovereignty’ (such a wonderful word) at the same time as espousing peace, yoga, meditation and prayer flags in the global ‘villages’ of Bondi, Byron Bay and Brunswick.
Seriously though, I should be pitying the self-delusion of anti-COVID protestors, not wishing for a glamorous life devoted to body autonomy. How embarrassing it must be for an anti-vax celebrity to admit to championing a ‘cause’ for which Craig Kelly is the poster boy, touting his worming tablet cure. Craig isn’t Instagram material, and Ivermectin is no substitute for Alfa PXP Royale Superfood Powder, which is also effective on wrinkles – something Craig could probably do with judging by the look of his big red melon.
The lockdowns and restrictions have been a bit tiresome, but leftie Pearl supports health measures that support the collective. As any hippycrite worth their mantra knows, life is full of inconveniences that make us stronger. But as with the inconvenient truth of climate change, it is so much easier to act like a spoilt brat and pretend COVID doesn’t exist than face the consequences. Unfortunately, this selfish, whiny attitude is on display and openly endorsed by those who control Australia, the big business CEOs who regularly throw tanties every time they don’t get their own way, so is it any wonder that wellness warriors are modelling the same approach when it comes to vaccines, and ripping off the uneducated with $285/month COVID ‘cures’?
This is where Aunty Pearl is here to help. It takes a lot of negative spiritual energy to support a cause as meaningless as anti-mask wearing, and it might be frustrating to be compulsorily vaccinated when one feels invincible due to a vegan diet and goat yoga, but imagine the frustration of medical staff putting their physical and mental health on the line every day. Get yourself a Pfizer shot and put those karmic qualities to causes more worthy, grab a pair of knitting needles and join Knitting Nannas outside a fracking site, brandish a placard, throw on a scanty Nagnata crop top and shorts and protest ‘Freedom from Evil Property Developers’, and Insta yourself as you cycle naked through the Hunter Valley grape country in defiance of coal mines. You may find yourself in jail due to repressive environmental protest laws, but orange is the new black – and it’s very Instagram-able.