A Message From Your New COVID-19 Ambassador

By Pearl Bullivant on July 22, 2020 in Satire

All that is appalling about Australia. Photo: Gina Rineheart

With a second wave of The Great Toilet Roll Shortage of 2020 waiting to engulf New South Wales, Pearl has appointed herself ‘COVID-19 Ambassador’, hoping to attract the same $345,000 pay packet offered to Scott Cam by the Federal Government for his role as National Careers Ambassador.
Who else would be better to impart sensible advice to the badly behaved masses than Pearl? Who else is qualified to pull them into line with much-needed guidance and carefully constructed rules? Unlike Scott Cam’s single public appearance in return for his large pay packet, Pearl will be making no public appearances for fear of contracting ‘The One-Nine’, but I am hoping for a photo opportunity with Michaelia Cash, who represents all that is appalling about Australia.
Why the ambassador position? Well, according to behaviourists, Australians object to being told what to do. Telling people not to hoard toilet paper or hang out at Bondi Beach means they will do the opposite, with top-down messages from politicians viewed as paternalistic, which is ironic considering the Australian habit of holding the government responsible for every woe in their affluent lives. Australians have morphed into such spoilt brats with zero resilience that they will only sacrifice their lifestyles if there is a reward in sight. Not only do we require a carrot, we need to be addressed in a positive and inclusive way (hence the cringeworthy “We’re all in this together” cliché) by older, well-respected Australians, and this is where Pearl comes in wielding her big stick.
The need to do the right thing has to be regularly spelt out to people, and during these dark times (of not being able to holiday in Bali) Pearl’s columns will provide necessary guidance to earn my $345,000 and achieve social cohesiveness.
This month’s insight is addressed to my funds manager, lawyer, medico, barrister, and trust fund readers: Take a big yogic breath and think twice before you apply for the JobKeeper subsidy. I’m aware the pink batts saga and years of neo-conservative rule has established what has become normal Australian behaviour, making it un-Australian not to rort your fellow woman/man (the building industry is the paradigm of the very worst behaviour), but we already have huge corporations leeching on the taxpayers’ teat without the affluent catching the dribbles. It may be tempting to manipulate your cashflow to qualify for assistance, but it is not a good look relying on taxpayers to fund the retention of your junior stockbrokers when management and partners can take a pay cut. It’s not like one can jet off to Lake Como at the moment, and Rose Bay Secondary College is a perfect alternative if one can no longer pay the Cranbrook fees. Stop and think, “Is it right to impose my desire for a new Maserati onto others?”
Finally, in the words of Scott Cam, “We work for a living – that’s the Australian way – and we get paid for what we do.” A true philosopher! Next month’s column: “Pearl’s Guide to Pedestrianism During The One-Nine”.