Star Signs – March 2018

By Beardy from Hell on March 18, 2018 in Satire

The devil.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Itchy bum hole? Combantrin chocolate squares are delicious, but they work a whole lot faster if you jam them straight in your arse.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Chuck a sickie when there’s nothing wrong with you, then get absolutely shitfaced so you feel sick the next day, just to justify the sickie.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
You’ve slugged it out for ages in the workforce but you’re getting nowhere; your only option now is to become a hooker or a thief.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
You’re a good chance of having your first wet dream in quite a while, so go to bed wearing a pad to protect your nice new sheets.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
You gallivant around the Eastern Suburbs pretending to be some sort of arrogant elitist, but unfortunately you’re just a deluded derro.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
A new hairstyle can completely change your entire personality. What’s that you say? “Not necessary”? You know it’s well overdue.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
A life of sexual deprivation is about to come to a head; resist the urge to grope as you enter the horniest period of your adulthood.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Consistently leaving a third of your meal for your partner to finish is a horrible, selfish thing to do and will only make them fat and resentful.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Anyone who uses the word ‘champ’ when referring to you or anyone else, is an insecure, patronising f*ckwit, deserving of a backhander.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
If you really want to make the world a better place, as you often say you do, take the necessary precautions to minimise your chances of reproducing.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Remove any kind of personal responsibility whatsoever by relying on your nonsense religion to justify your selfish and irrational views.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
You think your family is weird? Everyone’s family is weird, but at least they keep their weirdness confined to family situations.