Beardy from Hell – August 2019
Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
You should start doing a few squats, otherwise that arse of yours will be hanging somewhere between your knees and ankles.
Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
The person sitting closest to you at work is a thief and they have been eyeing off your shit for ages. Guard your valuables.
Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Less than one out of ten of the people you “could easily root” would actually have sex with you, and they’d be the uglier ones.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
You must learn to manage an almost uncontrollable urge to rub your genitals aggressively on the toilet seat while defacating.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Choose carefully who to discuss important issues with; their lack of understanding could leave you feeling like a preacher.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Give an old friend a quick catch-up phone call. It’s been a while and you’re going to need a favour from them soon.
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
You’re too friendly (annoying) to staff in cafés. They’re not your “mate”; they’re at work and you’re being a pest.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
You’re going to be bitterly disappointed by a menu that overpromises and underdelivers, but you should still leave a tip.
Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Constantly trying to hand people things while their hands are full isn’t your worst quality, but it certainly isn’t your best.
Taurus Apr 21-May 21
Take the time to educate your friend who always parks as far away as possible from where you’re actually going.
Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Create lots of pointless tasks for yourself so you feel like you’re all busy and important, like everyone else in Sydney.
Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
People say, “Nothing is impossible,” but you seem to achieve nothing every day without too much effort.