Star Signs – December 2021

By Beardy from Hell on December 16, 2021 in Satire

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Just because you keep waking up in the middle of the night super horny, it doesn’t mean it’s okay to FaceTime your ex at 4am.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Anyone carrying a yoga mat in public cannot be trusted, especially if they are wearing Birkenstocks.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
With so much giving going on at this time of year, you should aim to provide some balance by taking as much as possible.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Indulge in your final silly season binge, before your abused liver throws in the towel and you’re forced to drink water forever.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
You deserve more recognition for putting up with your psychopathic partner – anyone else would have poisoned them by now.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
In line with previous years, the most expensive part of your Christmas shopping will be all the crap you buy for yourself.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Even if you start saving for your overseas trip today, by the time we can fly you’ll only be able to afford a trip to Tasmania.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Consider getting yourself a new set of swimmers. The current set-up doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Christmas will provide a timely reminder as to why you only see your f*ckwit relatives once a year.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
Save a fortune by implementing a summer clean-out and regifting all the shit you bought during lockdown.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Avoid any kind of responsibility for your miserable predicament by continuing to blame everyone else for all your woes.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Invest in an electric toothbrush, but make sure you give it a good clean if it’s been used inappropriately.