Star Signs – February 2018

By Beardy from Hell on February 13, 2018 in Satire

The devil.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
It’s not fashionable to be late, it just shows a lack of respect for people’s time, which is fair enough when your time is actually more valuable.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Have you inspected the inside of your undies lately? For Christ’s sake learn to wipe your arse properly you grub.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Just because you’re a ram doesn’t mean you’re a sex god. Make up for your lack of ploughing prowess with the assistance of toys.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
“Nothing so undermines your financial judgement as the sight of your neighbour getting rich.” Stay away from Bitcoin, you’ve been warned.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Don’t feel bad about being lost in life. Make the most of the downtime by learning a new skill, like how to gamble online or use Netflix.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
Quit tugging at your eyelashes or you’ll have none left. You’re better off just rubbing your eyes all the time like you used to.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Stop telling everyone how much you love your job. It’s a shit job and you’re not fooling anyone, apart from yourself and your dopey partner.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
We all know how proud you are of your high standards, but there’s a point at which it becomes delusional and you passed that point long ago.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Lighten up a little bit with your tooth-brushing regime or your gums will recede and you’ll need to have a gum graft.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
As much as you strive to be a kinder, better person, you know deep down that it’s in your nature to be nasty.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
Beware the friend that tells you how much money they’re raking in. The really rich people are secretive and sly and would never let you know.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
If you think everyone’s looking at you, it’s because they actually are. Spend a moment in front of the mirror and you’ll soon realise why.