Star Signs – July 2018

By Beardy from Hell on July 11, 2018 in Satire

The devil.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22
There’s nothing wrong with being confident, but you should always remain humble in the knowledge that you’re good at everything.

Leo Jul 23-Aug 22
Going around in circles is better than going so far in one direction that you can’t get back to the comfort from whence you came.

Virgo Aug 23-Sep 23
You’re trapped, whether you realise it or not, and if you don’t break free and escape soon you’re going to be trapped forever.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
If you valued other people’s time as much as you value your own, you wouldn’t be such an unreliable prick, and less people would hate you.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
They say ‘money can’t buy you love’, but it can buy you a hooker, which is something you should consider if your form doesn’t improve soon.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
You’ve really got to sort out your diet or you’re going to wind up needing a crane to lift you off your couch and into the lap band clinic.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
You should never feel pressured to take drugs, unless you just want to fit in and be accepted around the Eastern Suburbs.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Don’t be ashamed of your sexual fetishes; heaps of people find it difficult to admit to putting carrots in their bottom, but it’s totally sweet.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Whenever you see someone doing something you deem to be immoral, abuse them in the street, because you are the world’s moral compass.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
If the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done is receive a parking fine, you’re not pushing the boundaries enough. Steal something, at least.

Taurus Apr 21-May 21
One of your mates will hook up with some hilarious Mexican chick and they’ll get married and have babies and live happily ever after.

Gemini May 22-Jun 21
Shelve the investment you’re about to make; even if it yields positive returns, it won’t be enough to compensate for the stress it causes.