Tamarama Declared Australia’s Surf Life Saving Capital

By Kieran Blake on May 6, 2016 in Satire

Sydney’s Tamarama Beach has been chosen as Australia’s Surf Life Saving capital in an effort to end the longstanding feud between Bondi and Bronte Surf Life Saving Clubs.

Both Bondi and Bronte claim the title of ‘first surf club in the world’ based on evidence from local newspapers, council minutes at the time, and even a time capsule dug up at Bronte Surf Club.

“Years of research, debate and conjecture have failed to resolve the issue of which club is truly Australia’s first Surf Life Saving Club,” read a statement from Surf Life Saving Australia.

“Thus, it was recently agreed by the board to appoint Tamarama as the official capital.”

The small, beautiful bay provides an ideal location, lying between its famous, brash and hedonistic northern neighbour and the more demure and subdued ‘Ville Bronte’ to the south.

Both Bondi and Bronte Surf Clubs are believed to be in agreement with the announcement. Neither club issued an official statement as the representatives from Bronte were busy reviewing the current value of their beachside properties, while bronzed Bondi members were sunbathing in anticipation of a cameo role on Bondi Rescue.

A tasteful, boutique, sophisticated yet avant-garde monument will be erected in front of Tamarama Surf Club. This will mark the club’s new status and form the centerpiece for every subsequent Sculpture By The Sea.

Tamarama’s status will be largely symbolic, as the national body will continue to coordinate the thousands of volunteer ‘clubbies’ and associated activities from the current headquarters in Rosebery.

“The national headquarters is already established and performs its role with great efficacy,” continued the statement.

“Furthermore, there was concern from Tamarama residents that the suburb would be inundated with public servants, which is not glamorous, and that they would be occupied primarily in mundane administrative duties, which is also not glamorous.

“Plus, have you ever seen a public servant in speedos?”