News Satire People Food Other

The Power of Pearl

By Pearl Bullivant on May 22, 2019 in Satire

Not leaving much to the imagination, by Lucy Flappington.

Pearl is not normally swayed by the evils of advertising, but I will admit to one guilty pleasure that would warm the cockles of a marketer’s heart: junk mail. You won’t find a “No Junk Mail” sign on my letter box, especially when one of my favourite pieces of glossy woodchip is the Aldi catalogue. Solar meerkat statues touted alongside cheap bulk buys of Himalayan salt – what is there not to love?
So, when the Aldi catalogue appeared in my letter box over Easter, imagine my dismay when I discovered amongst the pork kiev and turmeric latte a glossy photo of a velour tracksuit.
Granted it was the season of resurrection, but there it was in all its former Yummy Mummy glory, taunting me on page four.
“Only $24.99 with improved luxury fabric and satin drawstring waist,” and available in Penrith Pink (rather than Clovelly Charcoal), which eased my mind somewhat as the vision of Yummy Mummies blocking the carpark with their lifestyle vehicles at my favourite Aldi store just didn’t ring true.
For readers new to the Eastern Suburbs or too young to remember the years circa 2008, the black velour tracksuit was the mandatory uniform of any Yummy Mummy worthy of her matching black Range Rover and Bugaboo pram. It was one of the many items of gentrified clothing rallied against in my column and I thought I’d seen the last of this fashion-fail when it was superseded by the Lululemon legging. But, despite my horror that this white elephant might return as a retro must-have, Pearl is on an even more urgent mission: to vanquish the micro bikini.
With winter now upon us, Pearl has exactly six months to rid the Eastern Suburbs of the vile micro bikini trend. I appreciate that “everyone wants to show off side boobs, butts and hips”, but the micro is nothing but a male marketer’s wet-dream sold as “a flattering and supportive source of bodily empowerment and self-expression”, when the reality is that not only is it impractical to swim in, it is a total time waster – imagine what women could be doing with their time instead of devoting precious energy to maintaining a bikini line to accommodate what resembles an antiquated belted sanitary pad!
Since everyone wants to show off their boobs and bum, Pearl and her friends want in on the action. As feminists, we crave the empowerment that comes from wearing something that a man would never be seen in. We will be discarding the Speedo for unflattering ‘cheeky’ bottoms and tops for our winter swims (and we won’t be waxing). Selfies of aged women with pouting thin lips, attired in tiny bikinis holding up what now defies gravity will be infecting Instagram like fake news and baby photos. And, by summer, “the Kardashian Shape that is part of Australia’s culture” will no longer be, and the micro bikini will be relegated as an afterthought in an Aldi catalogue. That, darlings, is the power of Pearl.