THE TRUTH BEHIND THE LIGHT RAIL FINALLY REVEALED

By Kieran Blake on August 9, 2017 in Satire

Secret documents leaked exclusively to The Beast reveal that the multi-billion dollar light rail project will actually be a wall to keep ‘Westies’ out of the Eastern Suburbs.

A high level government source leaked the documents on condition of anonymity, under the title: Westie Wall.

The ‘Westie Wall’ of which the source speaks will be constructed along Anzac Parade, traditionally regarded as the unofficial boundary between the promised land and the rest of the world, and will extend from Moore Park to Kingsford. It will reach between three to five metres in height and up to five metres in width.

The project was instigated under the governance of former premier Mike Baird (a.k.a. the Supreme and Glorious Leader of the Greater Democratic Territory of North Victoria) and was cleverly disguised as a light rail project that promised to alleviate traffic congestion and provide an alternative transport option to the increasingly overcrowded Eastern Suburbs.

Construction began after a prolonged and assertive push from a local progressive society, the campaign mantra of which was encapsulated by Danny Hill of Maroubra, who wrote in a previous issue of this publication:

“…hoards (sic) of people from the western and inner western suburbs… descend on the Eastern Beaches at this time of year… we pay enough already in council rates to use these beaches.”

Previous measures to mitigate this scourge include ‘Westie Lanes’ at all patrolled beaches, which restricted Westies to seaweed-infested sections of the ocean, away from the locals and the best waves. These ultimately proved unsuccessful as the currents kept sweeping Westies into the flags.

Bondi locals also created the Bondi Pass, or BPass, but the lucrative trade in forged tattoos soon rendered the pass futile.
Critics of the Westie Wall slammed its discriminatory nature, its price tag, and the potential to greatly detract from the region’s inherent beauty.
Project managers insist the cost will be worn by the disposable income of the Westies and that the wall will possess enormous visual appeal. The eastern facade will be adorned with artwork and phrases such as ‘We.Live.Here’, ‘#loveit’, ‘#thegoodlife’, and ‘#blessed’, while the western side of the wall will be cement.

Opponents also argued that Westies could simply access the region via public transport. In response, local area police commanders promised to increase surveillance at Bondi Junction and Central stations, where commuters will be required to produce a foreign passport or pronounce words such as ‘focaccia’, ‘quinoa’, ‘espresso’, ‘panini’, and ‘beaujolais’.

Special dispensation will be made for visiting fans of teams such as the GWS Giants, the Wanderers, the Tigers and West Harbour, provided the teams agree to lose and that the fans vacate the Eastern Suburbs before the designated curfew.

One Westie, who was asked if he would rush to the Eastern Suburbs before the wall denies him access, replied, “Nah mate, why worry? It won’t be built in my lifetime.”