Underage Beach Trial Declared a Roaring Success

By Kieran Blake on February 28, 2019 in Satire

The decision to designate northern Clovelly Beach as the world’s first underage beach has been declared such a huge success that the initiative will be continued during the 2019/20 summer school holidays.

Millions of children flocked to the concrete on the northern side of the popular swimming spot during the recent school holidays after word of the adult-free zone spread through various social media platforms via the hashtag #Cloey4Me.

Youthful exuberance oozed from the pores of impossibly bronzed bodies as teeny-boppers drove the oldies away from their patch of paradise with a combination of boisterous beats, flying footballs, daring dives and ferocious flirting, while younger children blocked entry to the bay with an armada of inflatables.

Anyone old enough to vote was banished to the sand or the southern side of the bay, where they gazed wistfully upon the joyous and carefree assemblage of youth.

A smattering of adults raised a feeble resistance in the hours following sunrise. As teenagers caught up on their beauty sleep, toddlers built sandcastles, fitness fanatics puffed and panted, and dog owners swarmed the rock pools to teach their children the value of civil disobedience.

Once the clock struck 10am, however, the under 18 army annexed the beach and set about enjoying their holidays free from the scrutiny of their parents and teachers, and distanced from anyone not in possession of a valid Working With Children Check.

#Cloey4Me attracted such an avalanche of likes, hits, emojis, shares, acronyms, comments and posts that the exclusion zone will return during the next Christmas break, with a number of additions.

A strictly enforced uniform code will require teenage boys to arrive with boardies, baseball caps, a burgeoning six-pack and an uncontrollable bravado, while teenage girls will only be granted entry if they are wearing a ‘barely there’ Brazilian bikini.

Free WiFi and USB ports will feed the young people’s addiction and will enable them to attract even more youths to the tiny beach.

Another initiative will see a professional lifeguard patrol the northern end of the beach on a full-time basis, while medical staff will also be present every day of the holidays. Ratepayers will fund the deployment of highly-paid doctors as well as nurses, counsellors, social workers and emergency services staff, who will be on-hand to assist children who disregard the warning signs and launch themselves head first into a submerged rock or an innocent snorkeller.

The resumption of the school year returned the space to the septuagenarians with their bulging bellies and saggy Speedos, and they are advised to enjoy the relative peace and quiet until the kiddies return in December under a new trending hashtag.