Woolworths Metro Destroys Bronte’s Bid for Village of the Year

By Kieran Blake on August 27, 2021 in Satire

Back before the Woolworth Metro. Photo: Bluey Graham

Bronte locals are furious that the arrival of the new Woolworths Metro store in Macpherson Street has ruined the character of their beloved village and destroyed their chances of being crowned Village of the Year.
Proud residents claim that the establishment of the franchise has turned their home into a soulless, generic, crowded, expensive coastal suburb of Sydney which will never again vie for the prestigious title.
“Bronte was the only surviving village in all of metropolitan Sydney,” claimed a spokesperson for the committee formed to save the village.
“Now it has been destroyed, along with our chances of winning Village of the Year.”
Bronte was a strong contender for the title for many reasons. It boasts an uncrowded beach, wide, quiet streets, ample parking and understated eateries and shops. It sits a long way from the state capital and features only one church and one school, plus a strong sense of community.
“Everyone knew everyone else by name in Bronte,” explained the spokesperson, who cited further attributes which had earned Bronte favouritism before the corporate behemoth moved in.
“Home renovation plans were always devised with great consideration for the reactions of neighbours and other residents, and the constant state of renovation in which the village found itself ensured that all properties therein emulated Bronte House.”
Prior to the arrival of Woolworths Metro, daybreak would see the inhabitants of the quaint rural settlement grazing and milking their cattle on their vast properties or at the town common by the beach, before sauntering home to consume the milk or prepare it for sale at the weekly village markets. Blissful summer mornings invited children to splash innocently in the pristine waters of Bronte Gully.
Weekends saw residents volunteering at working bees to clean the beach and pool, and to maintain local sports grounds and public facilities. Community members were also known to give up their free time to beautify the cemetery, where every Bronte resident is proud to have at least three generations of ancestors buried.
The arrival of Woolies, and its destruction of the hopes and dreams of an entire populace, has prompted many Eastern Suburbs residents to pause and ponder what constitutes a village.
Is it any locality containing multiple cafes, a bakery and a shop selling designer-label kid’s clothes? Is it a locality with an upwardly mobile and everchanging population? Is it a locality with inadequate internet speeds and thriving eponymous sporting teams? Or, is it anything that can be saved by a bumper sticker?
Enraged Bronte locals have all vowed to boycott the Woolworths Metro store in a show of solidarity, and will continue to shop at Woolies and Coles in Bondi Junction.