Beardy From Hell – July 2015

By Beardy, Knower of Things on July 3, 2015 in Other

CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23
Save a fortune by substituting speed for cocaine. The coke we get here is mostly speed anyway and it’s actually pretty good shit.

LEO Jul 24-Aug 23
Avoid the emergency department unless you’re seriously f*cked up, because one of the bogans in there will f*ck you up.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23
Just because you’re feeling a bit down in the dumps doesn’t mean you’ve got depression. Drag your arse out of bed and have a crack.

LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23
Stop carrying on about how busy you are. The number of hours you work is meaningless when your output is so low.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22
You’re going to die one day and you’ve done sweet f*ck all with your life, so try to do some fun shit before it’s too late.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 22
Pretending to be all open minded and objective about politics is stupid when you blindly vote for whoever your parents vote for.

CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20
Squat over a mirror and inspect your bunghole for a haemorrhoid at least once a month; it’s amazing what you’ll discover.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19
It’s time to start prioritising your family. Nothing is more important; not your job, your mates or your current personal crisis.

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20
Grab a friend who outspokenly supports the death penalty and punch them in the face repeatedly until they change their opinion.

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20
Get a cotton bud into those disgusting ears of yours and remove an eternity of build-up before the hole completely closes over.

TAURUS Apr 21-May 20
Have a go you lazy shit. Good things happen to those who wait but better things happen to those who chase them down.

GEMINI May 21-Jun 21
You’re not feeling that good about yourself so poison everyone around you with negativity until they crash down to your level.