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Beardy From Hell – July 2015

By Beardy, Knower of Things on July 3, 2015 in Other

CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23
Save a fortune by substituting speed for cocaine. The coke we get here is mostly speed anyway and it’s actually pretty good shit.

LEO Jul 24-Aug 23
Avoid the emergency department unless you’re seriously f*cked up, because one of the bogans in there will f*ck you up.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23
Just because you’re feeling a bit down in the dumps doesn’t mean you’ve got depression. Drag your arse out of bed and have a crack.

LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23
Stop carrying on about how busy you are. The number of hours you work is meaningless when your output is so low.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22
You’re going to die one day and you’ve done sweet f*ck all with your life, so try to do some fun shit before it’s too late.

Pretending to be all open minded and objective about politics is stupid when you blindly vote for whoever your parents vote for.

CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20
Squat over a mirror and inspect your bunghole for a haemorrhoid at least once a month; it’s amazing what you’ll discover.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19
It’s time to start prioritising your family. Nothing is more important; not your job, your mates or your current personal crisis.

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20
Grab a friend who outspokenly supports the death penalty and punch them in the face repeatedly until they change their opinion.

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20
Get a cotton bud into those disgusting ears of yours and remove an eternity of build-up before the hole completely closes over.

TAURUS Apr 21-May 20
Have a go you lazy shit. Good things happen to those who wait but better things happen to those who chase them down.

GEMINI May 21-Jun 21
You’re not feeling that good about yourself so poison everyone around you with negativity until they crash down to your level.