Beardy from Hell – March 2019

By Dan Hutton on March 11, 2019 in

PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20

Stop telling so many lies. You’ve got a pretty good memory but not good enough to keep track of all the shit you talk.

ARIES MAR 21-APR 20

You don’t need to be rich, you just need to look rich, so stop working like a dog and start spending like a sailor.

TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21

An unmissable opportunity to sell out all your morals and values for a quick buck will present itself. Take it while you can.

GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21

You’re full of good ideas, it’s the execution that’s the problem. All you need is a bit of initiative and you’ll be unstoppable.

CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22

Prepare for the cooler months by ‘growing out’ your pubic hair. Only trim it back if the mound becomes visible through jeans.

LEO JUL 23-AUG 22

God will send a sign and reveal himself to you. Open your heart to the Lord, but do not let him into your wallet.

VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23

Sydney isn’t as boring as you think it is. People are still going out and doing stuff, they’re just not telling you about it.

LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23

I know it’s considered healthy to pass wind these days, but you need to control your toxic farts or you’re going to kill someone.

SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22

Your inconsiderate neighbours need to learn a lesson. You’ve been very patient up until now but the time has come for action.

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21

You don’t need to see a shrink; you just need a good root. Dust off the weaponry and get back in the saddle.

CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20

You’re wasting your life working where you are now. It’s a shit business anyway. What is wrong with you?

AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19

You give people too much credit by underestimating your own ability and overestimating that of those around you.