Beardy from Hell – March 2019
PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20
Stop telling so many lies. You’ve got a pretty good memory but not good enough to keep track of all the shit you talk.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 20
You don’t need to be rich, you just need to look rich, so stop working like a dog and start spending like a sailor.
TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21
An unmissable opportunity to sell out all your morals and values for a quick buck will present itself. Take it while you can.
GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21
You’re full of good ideas, it’s the execution that’s the problem. All you need is a bit of initiative and you’ll be unstoppable.
CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22
Prepare for the cooler months by ‘growing out’ your pubic hair. Only trim it back if the mound becomes visible through jeans.
LEO JUL 23-AUG 22
God will send a sign and reveal himself to you. Open your heart to the Lord, but do not let him into your wallet.
VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23
Sydney isn’t as boring as you think it is. People are still going out and doing stuff, they’re just not telling you about it.
LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23
I know it’s considered healthy to pass wind these days, but you need to control your toxic farts or you’re going to kill someone.
SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22
Your inconsiderate neighbours need to learn a lesson. You’ve been very patient up until now but the time has come for action.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21
You don’t need to see a shrink; you just need a good root. Dust off the weaponry and get back in the saddle.
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20
You’re wasting your life working where you are now. It’s a shit business anyway. What is wrong with you?
AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19
You give people too much credit by underestimating your own ability and overestimating that of those around you.