Beardy from Hell – January 2019
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20
It is not totally necessary to inform your partner every time you fart, so leave something to surprise – especially at the dinner table.
AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19
You will no longer be able to resist the urge to sniff your own toilet paper. Be careful to avoid swiping the end of your nose.
PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20
That subtle fishy odour coming from your genitals isn’t anything to worry about, just a yeasty or some rotting food or something.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 20
Every time you let out a yawn, some annoying prick will try to stick their grubby finger in your mouth and ruin your enjoyment.
TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21
Blaming everyone but yourself when you misplace something important is a good way of getting them to help you look for it.
GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21
You are one of those rare and unique specimens who looks better pasty and white, so try to avoid too much exposure to the sun.
CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22
A small yet painful haemorrhoid will introduce itself into your life. Grab a box of All-Bran before you end up with a full bunch.
LEO JUL 23-AUG 22
Cutting back to a four-day work- ing week is great in theory, until you find yourself sitting around with no money and nothing to do.
VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23
Talk openly about your personal problems with your nearest and dearest so they can ridicule you behind your back.
LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23
It’s amazing how there are always so many hotties who want a piece of you when you can’t do anything about it, but none when you can.
SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22
Invest some time and effort into your friends and family or you’ll find yourself ostracised and alone, but probably better for it.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21
Go on, make another New Year’s resolution, then let your failure be a reminder of how mentally weak you’ve become.