Beardy From Hell – April 2013Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
If you’ve never had your hoop tickled by the tip of a darting tongue, then you really need to try it. Just make sure you’ve had a good shower first.
Taurus Apr 21 – May 20
You need to surround yourself with positive people and shake the negative clingers that are holding you back from achieving anything in life.
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
Bored? Everyone has a friend with ADHD and they can help you. Just ask if you can ‘borrow’ a couple of dexies and you’ll never look back.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23
Don’t always take the easy option. What’s easy now can be hard later and what’s hard now will usually make your life a lot easier in the long run.
Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
Look in the mirror every once in a while and get that dirty looking shit out of your beth before you go an embarrass yourself any more.
Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
Your inability to get a job done from start to finish is but one of many reasons you find yourself in the shitty predicament you are currently in.
Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23
Climb the social ladder with ruthless determination. The more scalps you leave behind during your ascent, the softer your fall when you eventually drop off.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
In the world of alcohol there are only monkeys, lions and pigs. You can get away with being a monkey but lions and pigs need to stop drinking.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
Use the time you waste bitching about work to actually add some value and then you may get that pay rise you’re after.
Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20
Do something about your niggling injuries. Pretending they don’t exist won’t make them go away and people will start to think you’re an actual retard.
Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
“I’m getting in touch with my spiritual side” translates to normal people as “I’m a nutcase”, so if this is what you’re planning, just keep it to yourself.
Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Break free from your boring existence and do something that makes you so excited you can’t eat. It’s a good feeling that may even help you lose weight.