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Beardy From Hell – August 2012

By Beardy: Knower of Things on August 9, 2012 in Other

LEO Jul-24-Aug 23

After the amount of weight you’ve put on this month, the only place you’ll fit in is behind a tuckshop counter at closing time.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23

You’ll freak out this month when you notice that your toenails have barely grown at all since you last cut them over a year ago.
LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23

Looking for a fast way to lose weight? Swallow a tape worm, eat as much as you like and watch the kilos melt away. All the models do it.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22

If you’re in a bad mood, take it out on someone close to you. You know you can get away with it and they’re probably getting too close anyway.


Clean your gear. The last thing you need is a forey that smells like a prawn chip or a sniz with the scent of a slice of smoked salmon.

CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20

C’mon, life’s not that tough is it? In most countries you can’t even drink water from the tap, unless you want your arse to become a tap.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19

AN unexpected mid-August cash windfall should be spent on a trip somewhere warm. You’re a nice person and you deserve a holiday.

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20

Be warned: the person you’ve been giving so much pleasure to lately is about to become a major source of much displeasure for you.

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20

Oh dear, you’re about to have a chronic zit outbreak on your arse cheeks. It’s most probably related to you not wiping your dot properly.

TAURUS Apr 21-May 20

Be honest with your partner, for your benefit and theirs. Telling them how good they look won’t stop them from being fat – bad news for both of you.

GEMINI May 21-Jun 21

You will struggle to afford carbonated water, fettuccine carbonara and those carbon copy receipt books from the ‘80s. Carbon tax perhaps?

CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23

You’re not really that stupid/ Just remember, intelligence isn’t about questioning everything you know.