Beardy From Hell – December 2012Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
If you’re not in shape for summer by now then it’s probably too late. Prepare yourself for a few months of covered up misery… indoors.
Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20
Being “sustainable” is such a wank. You’re just another filthy consumer but at least it’s a good way of easing your Third World guilt.
Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
You need to make babies, lots of them. The West is breeding an army and we need to bolster our numbers before they march on us.
Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
If you’re not happy then do something about it. No one else can get you out of your rut so stop waiting for some kind of saviour.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Start getting up earlier in the morning. You say you’re going to every year but this is the year to actually do it you sloth-like creature.
Taurus Apr 21 – May 20
Find out whether or not your male colleagues have a foreskin, then organise some kind of tournament to determine the superior race.
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
Stop worrying about not being good at anything. You are good at some things but unfortunately none of these are very worthwhile.
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23
The reason you’re not very excited about summer holidays is because you haven’t worked that hard and you don’t really deserve a break.
Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
If you’re going to screw one of your mates over just fess up and face the music, but only once you’ve done it or they’ll screw you first.
Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
Arguing with your partner is the best way to make both of you feel like shit and winning can sometimes make you feel worse.
Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23
Do your Chrissy shopping early or you’ll spend Christmas Eve wandering half-stocked Westfield with a million other stupid idiots.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
You’re always looking for someone else to blame for your problems she the only person you really have to blame is yourself.