Beardy From Hell – February 2013Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
As things heat up this summer, so will your sex life. You’ve got a month of endless ploughing to look forward to if you play your cards right.
Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
The reason you’re feeling so shit is because you are addicted to sugar and the only way you are going to heal yourself is to quit. Good luck.
Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Don’t let a minor issue totally consume you. Sometimes it is easier to just let it go, or you could find that other people start letting go of you.
Taurus Apr 21 – May 20
It’s always your closest friends that f@#$ you over the most because they’re the only ones to whom you give the opportunity. Just be careful.
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
So many people have quit smoking since that dead guy went on the packs that it’s become all ‘underground’ again – what better time to take it up?
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 23
You are not going to get rich by designing an ‘app’ so stop kidding yourself and go and get a real job you bludger.
Leo Jul 24 – Aug 23
You must stop at nothing to achieve your goals this month, regardless of the few moral hurdles. Remember: the end always justifies the means.
Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 23
If you’re going to tell a lie that involves someone else’s participation, it might be a good idea to let them in on it beforehand.
Libra Sep 24 – Oct 23
Exercise caution when using the word ‘sausage’ in public. Things could be easily taken out of context and cause you much embarrassment.
Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
You spent all winter looking forward to summer but now that it’s here you’ve barley been outside. What is wrong with you? Get it there you tit!
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
A small piece of poo will make a sexual encounter extremely awkward, unless of course you have a poo fetish, which most Sagittarians do.
Capricorn Dec 23 – Jan 20
Agreeing to something and then complaining about the terms makes you look stupid. If you don’t like it then you shouldn’t have agreed to it.