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Beardy From Hell – January 2012

By Dan Hutton on December 27, 2011 in Other

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20

Why do you live here when all you do is whinge about how shit is? Piss off somewhere else and see how long it takes you to come back.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19

Your anti-capitalist rants are all hollow bullshit unless you’re genuinely prepared to go live in a cave in the nude and eat berries.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20

Despite the shitty start to summer you are going to have the best couple of months so far in your life from January onwards.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20

Your obsession with money is annoying. There are more ways to measure happiness than how much money you make.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20

A chronic and uncontrollable dandruff outbreak on your melon will put wearing dark clothing out of the question this month.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21

Doing it tough? Even the poorest people in Sydney are among the 0.5% richest in the world. Stop complaining you big, rich sook.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23

Never pay for anything up front because the person you’re paying will stop giving a shit the second you hand that cash over.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23

It is impossible for you to discuss gay marriage or religion without having an argument so just make your life easier and avoid these topics.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23

Have a good crack at learning something you’re shit at and see how good it feels to achieve what you thought you couldn’t do.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23

A pigeon sitting in a dog bowl is a sure sign of good luck for you this month but the luck will only last until you do your next poo.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22

Think long and hard before making any major purchases. There’s a good chance that what you buy will be worth half as much in six months.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22

Identify the people in your life that are constantly bringing you down and disown them immediately. It will be the best thing you ever did.