Beardy From Hell – July

By Dan Hutton on June 27, 2011 in Other

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23

Always keep some tissues handy at this time of year. If that annoying person won’t stop sniffling, at least you can stuff them in your ears.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23

You are susceptible to Mondayitis. This serious condition is commonly picked up at the pub on Sunday nights and there is no known cure.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23

Double parking your 4wd on a busy street while drinking a soy latte and talking on your Blackberry is a good way to piss people off.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23

Ringing the local council to blow off steam, regardless of whether it was their fault, is an essential free service paid for by your rates policy.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22

Watching kids sport is a great way to see parents abusing the shit out of each other, and you’ll get a cheap sausage sanga for your troubles.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22

Despite numerous cancer warnings, you will continue to spend hours with your mobile pressed firmly onto the side of your head.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20

Treating people like shit is a great way of showcasing your insecurities. It’s common knowledge that arseholes are unhappy with themselves.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19

Devote the bulk of your time and effort to buttering up strategic acquaintances that will further your social and economic advancement.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20

Sell your house and your shares and put the cash in the bank before everyone realises China is a hoax and the world comes crashing down.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20

Living in a nice suburb and driving around in a nice car pretending to be rich while you’ve got debt coming out of your arse is not cool.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20

Talking on your mobile while you’re being served in a shop should be a jailable offence. Please stop doing it.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21

Do your bit for charity this winter by flicking a homeless bloke a few bucks so he can get so pissed he won’t be able to feel the cold.