Beardy From Hell – July 2012
CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23?
Next time an annoying dog ruins your breakfast outing, lift up its tail, stick a pen in its bumhole and wipe it on the owner’s face.
LEO Jul 24-Aug 23
Don’t take sides in your friends’ arguments. It always backfires when they eventually make up and you’re the one left to deal with the animosity.?
VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23
Be wary when an old flame reappears in your life by ‘coincidence’. They’ve been tracking you via social media and have evil intentions.
LIBRA Sep 24-oct 23
Interest rates have gone down. Quick! Borrow more money so you’re even more f*#ked when they go up again and you lose your job.
SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22
Escape this shitty winter. A month in Bali, including flights and accommodation, will be cheaper than than your entire winter heating bill.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 22
Go out west and hang with the poor people for a day or two. It’s the ultimate ego boost, and your friends will think you’re charitable.
CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20
If you’re feeling a bit crook, go into work and ham it up a bit then enjoy the next four days off when your boss forces you to stay at home.
AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19?
Why anyone cooks when there are so many good takeaways around is beyond me. Factor in your labour and you’ll really appreciate the value.
PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20?
For the first time in your life, you will look at your ears in the mirror and realise how ridiculously unattractive they are. Cover them up please.
ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20?
Standing in dog shit is a blessing and in disguise. They don’t pay Chinese kids a dollar a month for nothing so go and buy a new pair.
TAURUS Apr 21-May 20?
Paying $100 for a meal does not make you clever or sophisticated but it’s nice of you to support some chef’s goey habit for a week or two.
GEMINI May 21-Jun 21
You’ve done well over the last few years, now brace yourself for some pain. There is no painless recovery from an unsustainable boom.