Beardy From Hell – May 2015
TAURUS Apr 21-May 20
If you spent half the time you spend in front of the mirror exercising, maybe you wouldn’t be so disgusted by what you see.
GEMINI May 21-Jun 21
Let someone get away with screwing you and they’ll do the same to some other poor idiot. Teach them a lesson instead.
CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23
Just when you thought you’d experienced everything, along comes someone amazing to take you to a whole new level.
LEO Jul 24-Aug 23
Feign confidence when spouting your political drivel. You’re usually wrong, but as long as you’re not in doubt people will believe you.
VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23
Don’t let indecision take your opportunities away. By all means think things through, but take a position and stick with it.
LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23
Be sure to keep your genitals in peak physical condition this month because they’re about to get a lot of use.
SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22
You need a tree change; you’ve been putting it off for a while, but you need to admit that you’re over this place and make a move soon.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 22
An itchy bumhole doesn’t necessarily imply worms, but it could be a sign that you need to change your undies more often.
CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20
Live by your own laws, learned through a life of experience. No one else has the authority to dictate their rules to you.
AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19
Start taking a bit more pride in your appearance. The whole laidback hippie thing is fine, but not when people think you’re a bum.
PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20
It’s all well and good to be relaxed, but don’t be so relaxed now that you won’t be able to relax later in life.
ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20
Surround yourself with introverted, mindless idiots so you can feel more intelligent and influential.