News Satire People Food Other

Beardy From Hell – December 2013

By Em Allen on December 4, 2013 in


Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
Realise that none of your mates are on your high intellectual wavelength and drop the standard of your hilarious gags to a more understandable level.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
A focused strategy may leave you with nothing. A wide strategy may leave you with shit. Go somewhere in between or start wide and focus in.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
There’s an old African proverb that says, “If you want to go fast, go yourself. If you want to go far, go together.” It’s bullshit, go yourself.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Everyone has a rich mate who they try to keep up with in spending terms. Just accept that you’re poorer and live within your miserly means.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Let your guard down just enough to invite advances, but not so much that you wind up unconscious, convulsing on the canvas.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20
Now that the housing and stock market are ridiculously high, plough all your cash into them so those that are already in can get even richer.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21
Never buy the first round- you’ll always end up getting rorted. If you’re last, everyone will have forgotten whose shout it is by your turn.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
Don’t take sides in a feud between friends. When they eventually make up (which they usually do) you’ll be the one with at least one friend less.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
Get out of your bubble and experience more of the world. It’s better to be a small fish in a big pond than a small fish in a small pond. I think.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
Remove all the negative influences from your life. Despite the small positives a person may entail, they’re usually not worth it when you net it out.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
What happens in theory and what happens in practice are two very different things and you should factor them into your decision making more.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
When inspecting your genitals for warts and other oddities, you will find something that concerns you so it’s better not to look at all.