Beardy From Hell – December 2014

By Beardy, Knower Of Things on December 15, 2014 in Other

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 22
The whole living by the beach thing hasn’t really worked for you. It’s time to call it quits and be one of those really white people that lives in Newtown.

CAPRICORN Dec 23-Jan 20
Can’t get ahead? You put yourself on this treadmill by being a greedy, materialistic pig so enjoy your backwards running until you eventually fall off.

AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19
Don’t get all argumentative and passionate about politics when you only vote for whoever your parents voted for, just like every other idiot.

PISCES Feb 20-Mar 20
Learning the difference between correlation and causation will vastly improve your life. You’ll also realise that your food allergies aren’t real.

ARIES Mar 21-Apr 20
Now that the Eastern Suburbs real estate market has hit all time highs, you should really start to think seriously about buying a place.

TAURUS Apr 21-May 20
If your special someone doesn’t excite you to the point where you want to miss work to hang out with them, it’s probably not going to last forever.

GEMINI May 21-Jun 21
Stop doing that stupid thing where you make out you don’t want something that you can’t afford. “I’d never want fly first class…” Yeah, bullshit.

CANCER Jun 22-Jul 23
I’m not sure if it’s an actual condition, but you’re about to get that thing where you always need to piss again straight after you’ve just done a piss.

LEO Jul 24-Aug 23
Getting in shape for summer? Unfortunately you left your run a little too late so you’ve got a few months of insecure misery to look forward to.

VIRGO Aug 24-Sep 23
The time has come; chuck all your clothes in a bag, dump them at Vinnies and invest in a new wardrobe. Have you looked at yourself lately?

LIBRA Sep 24-Oct 23
Let your pubes grow really long and bushy. You’re just not yourself without a huge, wiry tangle sprouting healthily between your legs.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22
Cutting out animal products is fine, but you’re not actually a vegan unless you tell everyone you’re a vegan within five seconds of meeting them.