Beardy from Hell – December 2018
SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21
You won’t find happiness while you’re working for someone else. In fact, you’ve got more chance of finding a fish up a tree.
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20
Look in the mirror before you leave home, at least for a couple of seconds. You can’t go out looking like that and expect to be taken seriously.
AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19
Regardless of whether or not you trim your bush, you will find heaps of pubes in every sink and plug hole you come into contact with.
PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20
Property prices around here have come off nearly ten per cent in the last year; another ten years of the same and you’ll be able to buy one.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 20
You’ll notice that people are being really nice to you lately, everything seems to fall in your favour, and it’s because you’re just a lovely person.
TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21
Despite no change in your general behaviour, you’ll find yourself regularly attracting the horny advances of members of the same sex.
GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21
Try putting a little more effort into your relationships; being busy isn’t a very good excuse for being a shit friend.
CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22
Don’t be paranoid about your body this summer; you actually look pretty good compared to previous years.
LEO JUL 23-AUG 22
You blame the cold for your bad mood and sour demeanour, but it’s warm now and you’re still miser- able, so maybe you’re just a prick.
VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23
You are in desperate need of a change of scenery, and by scenery I mean pretty much every aspect of your life.
LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23
Despite receiving more presents than you’ve ever received before, you won’t like any of them and some may even offend you.
SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22
Be very careful around zebra crossings this month. Someone is going to have a genuine crack at running you over.