News Satire People Food Other

Beardy From Hell – February 2014

By Beardy, Knower of Things on February 5, 2014 in Other


Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Don’t change a bit; you’re pretty much perfect and any animosity is the result of another party’s flaws rather than some fault of your own.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
Borrow and spend more now. The marginal utility of consuming today easily outweighs the interest rate and you’ll be paying on those funds.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
Try talking less and listening more, even though what you have to say is way more important and awesome than anything anyone else is thinking.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20
Exercise caution when farting this month. There’s a good chance a nugget will slip from your hoop into the waiting arms of your Reginalds.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21
Merely dieting is a waste of time for someone with your metabolism; you need to actually starve yourself half to death to achieve anything substantial.

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
If you’re going to drink and drive, make sure you turn your headlights on and stick to the backstreets; it’s worked well for you so far.

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
Pick up your iPhone and study your text messages. If there are more blue and green ones than grey ones you are officially an annoying pest.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
There’s nothing wrong with staring at strange-looking people. If they didn’t want the attention they wouldn’t have left the house in the first place.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
Why diversify just for the sake of diversification? Putting all your eggs in one awesome basket beats dividing them between heaps of shit ones.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Widen your circle. You hang around such a homogenous bunch of idiots who you don’t even like and you’re starting to become one of them.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
The person sitting next to you at work really wants to pump you. You are all they think about and they may even attempt to spike your coffee.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
Sleep if you’re tired. Even if you sleep for a week it means your body needed rest, otherwise it wouldn’t have let you drift off in the first place.