Beardy from Hell – February 2019
AQUARIUS JAN 21-FEB 19
Despite Sydney being way shitter than it was 10 years ago, it’s still the best city on Earth, so quit your whinging.
PISCES FEB 20-MAR 20
The mates you’ve got now are the mates you’re going to be stuck with for life, so make the most of them even though they’re not that cool.
ARIES MAR 21-APR 20
The phone call you let go through to the keeper is the call you’ll wish you’d answered. Not every private number is a Nigerian scammer.
TAURUS APR 21-MAY 21
Just as house prices seem to be get- ting within reach, the banks won’t lend you any money. How ironic and frustrating that must be for you.
GEMINI MAY 22-JUN 21
A bad batch of dunny paper will do serious damage to your sensitive little noose. It’s worth spending a little extra on some quality ply.
CANCER JUN 22-JUL 22
Blow this month’s pay betting on horses, because the racing industry is a charitable organisation that re- quires funds to help those in need.
LEO JUL 23-AUG 22
That quick buck you were hoping to make will quickly become a ‘paper loss’ that you refuse to acknowledge for eternity.
VIRGO AUG 23-SEP 23
Avoid Googling the symptoms of your itchy bumhole or you’ll be followed around the Internet by poo fetish propaganda for months.
LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23
You’re better off bitching about your friends behind their backs than staying mum and building up a deep and lasting resentment.
SCORPIO OCT 24-NOV 22
Although you think you’re the busi- est person on the planet, in reality you have more time on your hands than anyone but you just waste it all.
SAGITTARIUS NOV 23-DEC 21
The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting joy from little things, like Range Rovers, de- signer clothing and plastic surgery.
CAPRICORN DEC 22-JAN 20
Leaving things right up until the last minute is fine if you work well under pressure, which you most certainly do not.