Beardy From Hell – July 2014

By Beardy, Knower Of Things on July 3, 2014 in Other

Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23
Moving to Byron will not change your life. You’ll get there and be like, “F***, I’m still a dickhead; may as well move back to Sydney.”

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23
Get off Facebook and Instagram and put your paws in your pants, because masturbation is by far the best form of procrastination.

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23
The nature of your stools means that even endless wiping won’t return a ‘clean sheet’. You’ll need to hop in the shower and send a finger in.

Libra Sep 24-Oct 23
An unexpected pregnancy will leave you searching for answers, and also for your partner who seems to have suddenly vanished into thin air.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22
Continue to make important decisions based on gut feel and advice from your stupid friends rather than on facts and evidence-based science.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22
Don’t bother shaving in winter. Pubic hair is coming back into fashion so grow that bush with pride and enjoy blanket coverage of your junk.

Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20
Get off your moral high horse and start ploughing. Fidelity is merely a function of opportunity and you’re actually not such a bad sort.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Please do not be influenced by these anti-vaccination nutcases. Polio is not just a game that rich country people play.

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20
If you haven’t yet had the pleasure of a golden shower I strongly recommend lying in the bathtub, closing your eyes and enjoying the warmth one brings.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 20
The more stuff you own, the more miserable you are, but owning less stuff than your friends makes you miserable too, so you’re f***ed either way.

Taurus Apr 21-May 20
At least pretend to be interested in your friends’ annoying children. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

Gemini May 21-Jun 21
Make-up sex is awesome, unless it’s with a sibling, the result of which could well be children with webbed feet or red hair.